NICU experiences

I have mentioned before the fact that I have recently had twins. They have only been in my life a short while but I already have so much to say about it. I will periodically post my thoughts and experiences as they come to me and as I feel the need to express them.

My first inkling that my twin pregnancy was probably going to end early was when my gynecologist expressed his worry about how petite I was and how that could affect how long I was physically going to be able to carry the babies. He said he figured the furthest my body would go would be 34 weeks. He was dead on, the boys were born at 34 weeks 2 days.

Not only was my small frame against us, but the boys were diagnosed with TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome). It was incredibly scary and I will go into it further in another post. Needless to say we were lucky to make it to 34 weeks. I first went into labor at 32 weeks but they were able to stop it. I spent the next two weeks in physical agony as my body protested the prolonged pregnancy. I was literally in pain 24 hours a day. When I went into labor again, I knew I couldn't hold on any longer.

After the boys were born and I was more awake following the C-section, they rolled my bed into the NICU to see the boys. All I remember about that were bits and pieces of terrifying news. One of the boys had to be resuscitated, they were both having help breathing and were so tiny. I was terrified. I just laid there and sobbed.

The next day I was determined to get down to the NICU to see my boys. I remember being in so much pain from the C-section but not caring because I wanted to see them. I had worked so hard to get them here and come hell or high water I was going to see and touch them.

When I got there I was completely overwhelmed. They were so little and I was so scared. I remember sitting there with them and just crying, feeling like a total failure that I hadn't gotten them further and wishing I could take all their pain. They had so many needles and tubes going into them. It was awful.

I will never forget the walk down the long hallway, scrubbing in next to other shell shocked parents, swapping brief stories of why we were there and expressing sincere concern and hope for each other's babies, walking to my babies rooms and seeing them hooked up to so many monitors, jumping at every alarm, terrified something was wrong. Then there was getting over the fear of touching and holding people so little and frail, dealing with the fact that the nurses knew my babies better than I did and I had to ask them how to take care of my boys, and then having to leave my sweet babies night after night and go home alone.

I used to smell my hands and arms after I got home because they still smelled like the soap we used to scrub in. It made me feel somewhat connected to my babies.

The NICU staff was wonderful. They were very understanding and sweet and answered every question we had. The boys spent three weeks there and then were able to come home. I am still haunted by this experience. I am haunted by the memories of seeing them there and the pain I felt. I have new respect for anyone who works there and anyone who ever has or ever will have a baby in the NICU. It is something that can only truly be understood by someone who experiences it.

We are so very lucky and thankful that our boys are healthy and home with us.